How to Speak With More Presence and Less Anxiety: A Simple Daily Practice
A simple practice for speaking less, feeling more, and trusting presence again
By Ralph Havens PT
Dec 01, 2025
How I’m Learning to Stop Talking So Much (And Finally Trust Presence)
Fear of the unknown, anxiety, and the surprising wisdom that finally landed for me.
Lately, something big has been moving in me. Not in a dramatic, fireworks sort of way — but in that quiet, unmistakable way where you suddenly realize:
Oh. I’ve been tracking the right information my whole life.
For decades I thought I was messing up, misreading signs, or screwing things up by saying too much. But recently — almost like old memories lining up behind new realizations — I started seeing that the “images” and signals I’ve gotten over the years were actually accurate.
Even the nightmare I had when I was four or five? Turns out… I was tracking the correct information back then too.
The Fear Underneath It All
So much of this tied directly into anxiety — specifically the fear of the unknown. That “Did I just screw this up?” fear. The fear that I opened my mouth too fast. Or revealed too much. Or said the wrong thing.
And what I’ve realized is this:
Fear isn’t a monster. It’s just habituation.
Like standing on the edge of the diving board as a kid, still gripping the handrail even though you know you’re going to jump. It’s not danger. It’s just a pattern. A habit of holding on.
My Simple Rule for When to Speak
I talk a lot. And honestly… that’s been both a gift and a challenge.
So I created a filter that I now practice daily — in real time:
- Is it true?
- Is it useful or needed?
- Is it kind?
If it’s not yes, yes, and yes, I pause.
And lately I’ve added one more layer: I take a breath before responding. Just one breath. That alone has changed everything.
Then Something Deeper Landed
A 77-year-old man I used to spend time with would pause in conversations, look at me, and ask:
“Do you feel it?”
He meant Presence. Not an idea. Not a concept. A felt experience. A here-ness.
I almost used the term “Holy Spirit,” but it felt too loaded… too easy to misunderstand. So I use the word: Presence.
It’s always here. The only question is: Am I noticing it?
The 5 Questions I Use Before Opening My Mouth
- Is it true?
- Is it useful or needed?
- Is it kind?
- Is this a love note… or am I about to drop off a bag of dog poop?
- Am I aware of Presence?
If all five line up as “yes,” then I speak. If not, I let the moment breathe.
The Most Liberating Discovery
I don’t have to fix people’s problems.
Presence does the heavy lifting. Most people don’t need you to solve anything — they just want to be heard. They want to feel your presence, not your repair kit.
And for someone like me who talks a lot… this has been a relief I didn’t know I needed.
When Something Is Lost…
Sometimes something has to be lost before the message gets through. Only then do we finally slow down enough to see what’s been here all along.
I’m still learning this. Still practicing the pause. Still remembering to breathe before I speak. Still noticing presence.
And yeah… I still talk a lot. But now, when I do, I aim for love notes — not bags of dog poop.
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